The hardest, toughest and sexiest pirate on Shartak.

You see the hilt of a heavy sword strapped to his back, eleven loaded pistols strapped and tucked about his body, and dozens of gourds of fungi juice in his backpack. Worst of all, he reeks of sweat. Stinks of it. Weapons-grade smell. No bathtubs at the wreck, you see.

1. Achievements, And There Are Many of Them

a. First pirate to reach Rakmogak.
b. First pirate to kill a cannibal.
c. Spiritual leader of the now defunct Pirate High Command.
d. Established the Corsair Boulevard, the road running between Dalpok and the shipwreck.
e. Founder of the defunct 1st Imperial Mercenary Regiment.
f. Helmsman of the now defunct Brotherhood of the Coast.
g. Seaman of the now defunct Jolly Roger Crew.
h. Murderer of decent honest folk, especially Yorkers, for historical reasons which no longer mean anything to anyone. Has murdered more Yorkers in their sleep than any other living pirate.
i. Killed more cannibals than any other living pirate (except Opium Joe, when he's not in a coma).
j. Sold Dalpok (aka New Amsterdam) to Maevar Ralnick in '07 for 50 gold coins and 11 gems. Silly man.
k. Established the First Imperial Bank in '07, an elaborate criminal scheme by which hundreds of islanders were defrauded of thousands of gold coins, promptly spent on rum and nubile native women.

2. Testimonials* of Women Who Have Been Overwhelmed by the FirstAmongstDaves Charm**

a. "Never have I seen a wooden club so big! I just love it when he searches for fungi in the cave system! His manly fingers never miss a mushroom!" - Janet Grey, dead First Consul of the Eastern Federation and Leader of the Derby Hospitallers

b. "I'll stitch and suture his weeping wounds any day of the week! Yum!" - Dr Aisha al-Khalifa, dead leader of the Healers of Shartak

c. "The man sure can blow a conch shell. He doesn't stop to draw a breath!" - MonaLiza, deceased Queen of the Royal Court of Greater Raktam

d. "Is that a parrot on his shoulder or is he just pleased to see me?" - Elizabeth Bathory, dead York psychotic and follower of Ethir Wrathwrain.

e. "No one can search for a heavy sword in a swamp like FirstAmongstDaves. He can wade knee deep through my delta any time!" - Lexus, dead Leader of the Colonial Police, York (and who would be very upset if she read that)

f. "I am not a woman!" - Dian Cecht, uptight pirate with a girly girly girl's name.




*Testimonials might not be strictly accurate.
** Patent pending.

Ode to the Colonial Police (27 May '11)

At The Hanged Misfit Pub, Derby:

Katie Calhoun says �I just brewed up all that yeastweed you gave me Captain Low. Wine should be coming soon.”

FirstAmongstDaves kicks in the door with a boot sloshing with sea water. A small fish jumps out of his boot and flutters on the stone floor.
FirstAmongstDaves says “Versuvius Low! Hef! Comrades! I belch in salute!”
FirstAmongstDaves belches 21 times, each sounding progressively like a cannon. He punches both men in the arm, very hard.
FirstAmongstDaves says “Come, join me on the piano in a sing-a-long!”
FirstAmongstDaves sits in front of the piano, flicks his cape out, and leans back smiling, fingers on the keys.
FirstAmongstDaves says “Oh, twas on the Good Ship Venus. By Christ you should have seen us! The figurehead was a in bed! And the mast was a raging penis!”
FirstAmongstDaves stops, and blinks. "What, too raunchy? Let me instead compose a song in honour of our fair island."
FirstAmongstDaves tinkles a few keys and hums to get in tune.
FirstAmongstDaves says “just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip, that started in old Yorkietown, about a tiny ship.”
FirstAmongstDaves says “The mate was a mighty sailor man, the skipper fond of grease, both men brought up in the traditions of the proud Colonial Police”
FirstAmongstDaves says “So there was Aphetto Kabul, The Hanged Man too, V2Blast, and Twist. the movie star, the professor and Maryanne! (well maybe not them.)”
FirstAmongstDaves says “A pirate ship bore down on them, the crew a scurvy lot! Their morality and hygiene was akin to a blood clot!”
FirstAmongstDaves says “What could the poor crew of brave Yorksmen do! Oooh ohh ooh!”
FirstAmongstDaves says “Well, they... could... die! With a sword in the guts, in their burnings huts, with a pike in the head, til they're dead dead dead, with a pistol shot, or a poker so hot!”
FirstAmongstDaves says “Or a harpooned chest, that is best, yes yes! Kill them quick, kill them slow, in the boats, boys, row row!”
FirstAmongstDaves says “Don't let them get a-waaaaay! Hack, chop, shoot and slay!”
FirstAmongstDaves says “So, we killed those Yorkies one by one, for the Colonial Police had done us wrong, they thought we were cads, and very bad, they didn't knwo the truth by half, so very daft!”
FirstAmongstDaves says “And that is the story of why pirates hate York. No more singing! Um. York rhymes with fork!”
FirstAmongstDaves stands up, bows, and slides to the bar for a drink.

Katie Calhoun sniffs the air and smiles. "Well now, it seems some of the wine is done. Love that unmistakable aroma of tasty berry wine.
Katie Calhoun sits a bottle of wine in front of FristAmongstDaves. "Great song that. You do have a gift."

**
The Tale of the Pirates' Vengeance also known as the Ballad of Keichi's Torso Toilet, 11 Sept '12

The fire lights FirstAmongstDaves's face in scarlet, framed against the night sky. He leans in close to the flames. His eyes are bloodshot and burning red.

"Gather in, old buccanneers, corsairs and privateers, and hear the story of why pirates hate 'Ork and all who reside within her wormy womb.

"Once, pirates and 'Orkers lived in harmony. Why there was even a bar run by a pirate, Czechy's, right near the trader. This was a score of years ago less one.

"Then, the Colonial Police gave themselves power above all other men, decided that the Mercenaries Guild could not operate within 'Ork's borders. And we poor pirates, those who had survived the wreck and escaped certain doom in stormy waters and only sought to recover ourselves and our health, we were gathered up in the herd, clustered with those who would kill for money but wear starched collars and purport to walk respectably amongst men. And they killed us and drove us out of 'Ork.

"This lead to a new philosophy. We would not be downtrodden again. And so this lead to the establishment of the proud Scurvy Crew of the Hellbourne Strumpet, who raided 'Ork and killed all those who sought to exert power over others. And then the Jolly Roger Crew under Rozen, and then the 1st Imperial Mercenaries Corps. And then the mighty Brotherhood of the Coast, and then the Pirate High Command.

"And with each new grouping of pirates, we had it blazened into our blood: never forget and never forgive 'Ork: go into that city and plunder it and burn it to the ground, over and over, so that the curse triggered by the Colonial Police would be revisited upon successive generations or 'Orkers, and they too would learn never to forget what they had done to us.

"And now we come back, not under any single banner, but in what has become true pirate tradition, the extenuation of the curse: Raffles and Grayson and me, individually but in support, we bring now not just cutlasses but heavy swords and pistols, and knowledge of how to fight and kill from out of the stinking jungle this score of years save one.

FirstAmongstDaves starts to sweat and sway backwards and forwards.

"Some might say I'm mad. But I'll share with you an inescapable truth."

FirstAmongstDave's starts screaming maniacally, pink froth splattering from his mouth:"We are the victims!We are the fist of justice! We shall run them into the swamps where they can die in agony with leeches and slimy things crawling inside their living torsos, whereupon they can descend into hell down a corridor lined with level 10 jungle thickness jungle where Lord Satan himself will stuff their mouths with old socks and eat their toes with Sacred Space apple sauce! And the ghosts of rotting shargles will nest in their brains and lay rotten eggs of doom! And they will develop the wombs of women and give birth all day to krakens which they will have to feed stinking yeastweed juice! And Keichi will cement up all of their stolen torsos and turn it into a fiery purgatorial outhouse in which I will sit all day and read The Economist magazine over and over, having eaten nothing but beans for days! And I will use as warmth for the toilet seat the lush and hairy skin from Aphetto Kabul's back! And The Hanged Man will beg to be released from the doom of this hellish foul toilet, and I will laugh and laugh!

"And then they, too, will never forget!"

FirstAmongstDaves pumps his fist at the sky, framed by fire.

"KHAAAANNN!"


**

No longer abiding by a truce with the York Colonial Corps, and but being very smiley with The Hanged Misfit Government in Derby and the Kane Government in Durham.